This week has been a mind blown week for me (thanks dude). I have been receiving the best essay from NielsKNK about how the Ego works from his email.
(Really if you are struggling to improve yourself, eliminate your insecurities, or be interested enough to know how your mind works, his daily email might be for you. Sign up here and follow his Twitter here)
Up until this 2 days, I have been re-reading his writing and can’t help to wonder about it. If you are like me, who are struggling to improve your life though you have read tons of self-improvement books or take coaching but still feel there is no or little progress, this article is written just for you.
Also, this is the reason why I bring this topic.
About dealing with the ego
I know, this topic is very basic and already re-circulated in the thousands of articles on the internet. But even when this topic is already literally everywhere in thousands of someone blogs, why there are so many people still struggle? The answer may vary, but today we will talk about the mindset of how ego works that will clear your eyes to see the thing as they see.
This article will talk about not only about our ego but also the ego of other people when you talk to them.
TL;DR on his email about how ego works:
Ego is an important part of our brain. It serves as a bridge, or for a better comparison, a security guard that filter the information from subconscious to our conscious. Ego blocks the information that not important for ourselves, and only allow the information that important for us.
For example when you are driving a car in a crowded street. Before entering brain, your eyes actually take all information that you see such as billboard, old people crossing street, traffic lights, and a hot girl in pedestrian. After it passes subsconscious and make a way to conscious, the ego will filter only important information. If you are a guy, you might be only care about a walking hot girl or If you are late from work, you might care only traffic light waiting until it turns to green light, and so on.
Again, Ego is an important part of our brain. Why? Because without Ego, every information unfiltered through your conscious, and resulting you have to process every information. If this happens, your brain will consume much energy thus will not beneficial to our survival.
Though it is important it is a flawed system. Let say, we take an example from the famous red/blue pill in manosphere scenario, when the nice guy invests so much to a girl for about a half year and get annoyed when she ended up with someone who she met literally 3 days ago.
This is called “Ego investing” when you so much believing to your Ego and when get wronged, it cannot accept it. While the truth this guy is investing so much in the relationship, in reality this guy acted against human nature and basic human interaction resulting in the poor result of his action. But, the Ego does not want to accept it.
When I described Ego what is like, it is like a friend who shouts out “you loser!” while also the one who cheers you up that you can finish it even you already want to give up in a race. Sometimes he only brings the bad thing that makes you feel bad but also brings you good news even it seems mediocre to anybody.
OK, back to the scheduled program.
Actually I left out why Ego sometimes also against us, especially when you think you know something.
Niels talked about it when you invest your ego in the wrong direction, just like the previous poor guy.
What if you build ego in wrong perception and thus being denial about the truth? or what if you build ego in a way that it makes you feel like a stupid loser? or worse, Ego that makes you think that you are deserved to be praised every time you made an achievement?
Ego does not like to be told wrong. Even when you have proven them wrong.
Since you know Ego doesn’t like to be told different from his perspective, like or notevery day there will be a fight between you and your Ego.
Ready to enter the topic? Let’s dive in.
“The Slanderer”
Before you talk to people, your Ego will filter any information that matches with the current belief you have then make a quick judgment of their personality. I know many of you will say “Don’t judge people from its looks!!!” but believe it or not our brain is designed to do that, back to when we are still hunter-gatherer society. If you cannot judge the looks and situation, many of us might have been killed thus the survivor in this era is the one who has quick judgment.
Like a slanderer who spread his lies, you somehow know it is merely a gossip but since it matches what your Ego believes you will judge it as truth until it is proven otherwise. But like most of the people, you will not bother to prove it. Why? First, it requires to moves to prove it is wrong or not and second because of your Ego is afraid it is wrong since the Ego does not like to be told it is wrong.
This impacts your life, especially in a social situation. Assume you meet a beautiful woman in a social gathering, and you see she is pretty and wearing some the expensive jewelry.
What will you think of her? Some of you think she has a boyfriend, she is high class and does not match yours, she has a sugar daddy (someone actually thinks this), and she is a bad bitch that has fucked many men.
But what if you found out that she got the jewelry from his brother and actually desperate to have a boyfriend? Well, you will not find out cause your Ego thinks otherwise and convince you something that is not proven.
Another thing that caused by “the slanderer” is when you talk but asking a judgmental question like “why do you wear such expensive jewelry in a casual social setting?” The best result you get is replied by an annoyed tone and the worst will, maybe be accused as sexual harassment.
Paul Domenick has an interesting tweet about conversation
Do not assume people know what you are talking about and Do not assume you know what other people are talking about.
Like this article, I cannot assume that you know what I am writing about, thus I provide information to prevent misunderstanding. But also you have to curiously ask someone about something you honestly do not know. They will happily talk about it and there is a chance of connection. Just do not ask a judgmental question and you pretend already know it.
You will reach more people if you avoid making them feel stupid and learn from people if you can keep an open mind
“The Fake Mirror”
If you talk to many people for a topic, you will get various kind of reaction. For example let say we bring topic about feminism. Some people are do not like it but still open mind about it, and some people support it and blindly dismiss any one who think it is wrong. With this information, you can assess who is willing to support you on #MeToo alike campaign (I know this is an obsolete and lame comparison). Very basic right?
Let’s take another example, let say you were one of the brightest student at senior high school and this year you attending a national university. You think you are very smart until score of class exam is posted, only find you are in the third lower. Or you were the best football athlete in senior high school but only find you don’t even become the regulars.
Like a mirror, Ego is presenting your ideal image through your life but once it finds the opposite (aka reality) it either submit or reject it. But because it is only project your ideal self-image, I regret to say it is fake. A fake mirror.
OK we understand about the second example what is the point with the first example?
Like I said before, the Ego projects your ideal self-image to your daily life. In the first example, they are attaching their self-image, their identity to something.
I find this is funny too but look people around you. Some people (okay, most people, and maybe all of the people) act so defensively when their belief about something is wrong. Not just believes, tell them what their love or their favorite movie is void and meaningless, and they will act crazy. We knock their fake mirror and Ego doesn’t it to be destroyed.
I mean, if we are a rational person the first thing of our reaction will be questioning the reason why our belief is wrong and proceed to accept any logical facts, case by case. But no, we are not. We are an emotional creature. And I believe you get a little annoyed when I told you that we are an emotional creature.
But this does not mean we are not capable to think about logic, but we tend to be more emotional. However, since the energy to thinking by your conscious located in the cerebrum, by nature we tend to use the quickest way to judge, by emotion.
When our believes and values are challenged, the Ego protect itself by limiting the amount of information that only relevant to support the current belief.
“The Fog”
Let’s discuss the example from “the fake mirror” topic but in the first person perspective.
Imagine when you are being compared to another person about the achievement of your neighbor. Maybe he has a higher score than you in high school or entered the most prestige university while you are not. Naturally, If I am being compared by someone for whatever reason, my first reaction would likely to defend. Most of you will do the same either by ignore it by the fake laugh or completely reject it.
In my experiences, when I am being compared to someone by another person, my Ego will translate it into “you are not try hard enough!!” or “you are not good enough” and take it seriously, as it interpret that the complainer reject us as a whole human being. This same reaction when you are rejected, it feels like very personal.
While the truth is, the one who complains or rejects you is only doing that because the quality or skill just does not match what he/she is looking for. Not you. In fact, if you and he meet up in another social setting, he might be a cool person and not as evil as your Ego thinks. Ego ended up being “Fog” that blocks you to see a point clearly.
More of this? Is when you compared yourself to another person by yourself.
Imagine you open your Instagram Story and see one of your friends achieved something that you want. In your office, hearing one of your friends get a high paid project. You start comparing yourself by yourself.
If you think clearly, you may heard that in the past the already taking courses on something that literally cost him half of his monthly salary, in order to achieve it. You may also heard that he submitted the project 5 times and get rejected 4 times, and this time he got it.
For myself I have been sinned when the first month I am working in my current company. I saw many people got so many achievement, while I am still doing nothing. But once I have to start the by myself by join to the current project that is challenging (which is I am now), I will never contribute something big to the company.
Also, another case when your dates start comparing you with exes. Indeed the worst feeling. But if you saw it clearly, she is actually just trying to fill up the conversation or really she still thinking to get back to her ex.
“The Advisor”
Until now we have been talking shit about Ego, and now I want to remind you that Ego is indeed a flawed system, but not a flaw.
Thanks to Ego, our brain does not need much energy to decided something. It limits your options to something that only very related to you. It also encourages you to do something beyond your expectations. it is like a good advisor in the medieval era who gives you an option to act based on your policy but let you decide.
Anyway, to maximize the potential of ego while limiting the negative impact caused by Ego checking your Ego is never a bad thing. While meditating, checking your Ego, making it stay humble it is a piece of cake. The true test comes when it interacts with the real world.
Also, thanks to NielsKNK for writing the amazing piece of writing. This article will not exist without his email.
Personal note: I am thinking Ego = Reptilian Brain. If you want to discuss more about this contact me at my Twitter here
Photo by Rendiansyah Nugroho on Unsplash